Hidden ever so well!
This was an experience that was a major turning point in my life; I was to be God’s chosen one to mother this child, what an honour. I was not feeling confident or capable, however this was provided to me as I needed it, one day at a time.
I am so thankful that God knows and plans all perfectly. What an awesome position motherhood is; what a privilege and joy.
Yes, I am a better person for this experience.
I still question the purposes and plans of God, but in reflection on my past experiences, I am encouraged by the reminder that all has worked out, maybe not the way I had planned it to, but it has all worked out according to the plan that was meant to happen.
Once again I am honoured to share with you the following part of this extract of my book ‘My Hidden Confidence’.
From Chapter Six – My Hidden Confidence
It was made clear that if I was to proceed with this decision, I was to move out as quickly as possible, as they were unable to carry the burden of a baby as well as me. I was of course very devastated by the lack of support and understanding shown, although deep down I was not surprised as I had continually experienced their “conditional” love, and right now I was not meeting their conditions.
My parents showed a very judging spirit, and verbalized words that were far more damaging to me than I realized, cutting far deeper than I could have thought. Loneliness absorbed my heart, condemnation entangled itself around me and the spirit of unworthiness grew stronger. The verbal abuse was far too enormous for me to bear. I felt so abandoned! What could I do to gain the approval of others, how could I make this situation right? What was God expecting of me? And so each day would end with me going to bed at night asking God to take me home, to be away from this pressure, as I cried myself to sleep regularly.
The pain of this situation resurfaced quiet a few years later, when I found out that both of my parents had been in exactly the same situation in their teenage years. Yet in this situation, all that I received from either of them was condemnation, no understanding or support. God used this to highlight to me the fact that I had not totally forgiven my parents and held on to the pain and rejection from that season in my life. Revisiting pain is never easy, but through this I have gained some further wisdom in how to handle difficult situations as a parent. I have learnt that I need to be honest and open with my children, not condemning them for mistakes they have made.
In my role now as a mum, I have aimed to provide a variety of opportunities for my children to take up the challenge of forming their own opinions, and to make decisions accordingly. This has also taught them that there are always consequences, both good and bad. Therefore, when they are facing the challenge of a decision in a larger and more serious matter, they are more capable of breaking down the situation into “bite-sized pieces” and working through it one piece at a time. If only I had known how to do this as a teenager, and been given the opportunity to think for myself, and not take on the thoughts of my parents. But as I was trained not to question or have an opinion, it seemed to make letting go of my individuality easier to do. (My greatest lesson has been to learn from the mistake of others and to depend more on God’s wisdom so freely provided for me. One of the legacies that I am proud to have given my children is the courage and strength to use their abilities to make decisions and problem solve as necessary.)
But now my decision was to work out what to do next!
The full copy of my book, ‘My Hidden Confidence’ is available for purchase, please click here to find out more