My Hidden Confidence – an Extract (part 1)

A life story.

We all have one with experiences good or bad. Exciting times and not so grand moments.

My story is unique and yet has many aspects that others have shared as well (readers of my book have disclosed this to me) and although I would never put my hand up to ask for these experiences again, they have been used to make me who I am today.

I am better for these experiences.

I have been worn out emotionally, physically and mentally and at times wondered where or when it would all end. Some days (ok more like months and years) have not been ones I wish to revisit. But I am thankful that through them all I have become stronger, more compassionate and somewhat softer in my view of life.

I would be honoured to share with you an extract from my book ‘My Hidden Confidence’ in this post and my next.

From Chapter Six – My Hidden Confidence

Two months prior to my 18^th Birthday my life took a very different turn, and changed forever. I lost my virginity in a very unhappy circumstance, once again I trusted a man who betrayed me by taking from me what was not his to have. I honestly had no concept of the reality of what was happening to me at the time, but did cry for days after. It was 6 weeks later that I was informed of my pregnancy, and I was confronted, not with support and understanding as I had hoped, but with a very negative and degrading behaviour from both parents. The pain intensified as I became very aware of the lack of commitment from my partner, though he continued with the pressure to continue in a sexual relationship.

It was unfortunate that as their daughter, my parents never took responsibility or the time to educate me regarding the Facts of Life, explaining in detail what I was about to enter into. Although I knew that what had happened to me was wrong, I really had no understanding of the finer details of what my consequences would be. What I did know was that I had been raped and now, as a result I was pregnant. I felt so very alone! Even at the announcement of the pregnancy I was still unaware of the repercussions of the situation I was in. The few weeks that followed became a blur for me as I was inundated with advice and information coming to me from all directions. My father was planning to send me away to ‘end’ the situation; my Mother was planning to send me out west ‘for a time’, and then to add to all this there were the opinions and beliefs expressed by the family of the father of the baby who insisted that I attend counselling before any decision was made. For this, however, I was thankful, as it was during the counselling session that my ears and eyes were opened to the reality of the situation. I was aware that regardless of all that was happening around me, God still loved me and accepted me regardless of the state I was in.

Considering that this happened to me in an era when single parenting was not highly accepted nor was it funded as it is today, this presented some very different issues in comparison to today. At this point in my life, I felt very unaccepted, unloved, unworthy, a complete failure and totally lost. What was I going to do? Where was I going to go? How could I possibly love another human being with the little love I felt I had? I continually asked these questions of God and sought Him for the strength that I would need to pass through this time of my life.

I struggled through this situation with the conflicting opinions and expectations of others and throughout I felt that there was no consideration at all being given to how I was feeling or even what I wanted to do. My lack of self worth and the inability to make decisions for myself was a large obstacle in this situation. But with a growing hunger to do things right, this situation forced me into a closer relationship with God and a desire to earnestly seek His will for my life. I knew that no matter how I felt or what I was able to do from this point, that God had a purpose and a plan for this child and, as such, I did not have the right or authority to take a life. The disappointment from my parents was very evident, and their opinions were openly shared accompanied by their lack of support for this decision. It was made clear that if I was to proceed with this decision, I was to move out as quickly as possible………….

Return for my next post to read more!

The full copy of my book, ‘My Hidden Confidence’ is available for purchase, please click here to find out more.