The Hurt Stings, and the Damage goes deep!!!
And resurfaces, time and time again.
Trusting again after being hurt is difficult.
Trusting and believing in another after deep and painful abuse is challenging.
In fact it is down right hard! And makes me want to run.
It makes me want to build my emotional wall as high and wide as possible so as to not let others into my life again to hurt disappoint and trample on me like so many before have done. Yet to be honest this protection building is exhausting.
The hurt and abuse of my past has built in me this automatic protection mechanism that has become very evident many a time, and yet each time I promised myself I would be do better in the future; and allow myself to be open, loved, accepted and to trust again.
And although this is far from easy, it is a choice. A choice that I have to make and put into action on a regular basis, but with the risks that are always there in relationships, I have found the blessings are far greater.
Why is this a challenge for me?
I have been abused in so many ways, and it is the emotional scars and hurt that resurface and cause this challenge in my current relationships, especially in trusting; in trusting another with my inner hurts and feelings of rejection and believing that they will not do the same as others.
This challenge has fueled my desire to be in control. If I am in control of the situation, I am more at ease in permitting another into my emotional world and although I have had the belief that I am doing so by being open and honest, I am fooling only myself. The feelings running deep are much different to what I allow to be seen on the surface. But what I have also found is, being in control can damage relationships greatly.
Although the ‘perpetrators’ of my past are no longer a part of my life and no longer inflicting pain or abuse, I have continued to be bound by them. The inability to trust others is clear evidence of this!
Many years ago, God reminded me how He would never leave me, (Ps 27:10) and although I thought I had accepted and believed this, deep down I struggled to fully understand the concept. The example of what a loving, supportive and faithful father should be, was ruined and therefore entangled my thoughts and the ability to accept God at His word.
Oh how the examples we have in life play a bigger part than we realize!
I wish I could say that I have mastered the ability to trust, that I have learnt to accept that those in my life only ever have my best at heart and that I can open myself up emotionally, but the reality is that this is a process.
I was reminded of this when I experienced physical pain that could only be healed with time and rest. During this time it felt as if there was nothing happening and that time was being wasted and filled with unproductivity. (The controlling me wanted to get back into doing something – anything!!!)
Oh how hard and very challenging this time was!
Through this process I needed to remind myself that just because I could not see the healing taking place, this did not mean it wasn’t happening. The internal damage to my body was taking time to heal and needed my participation to do it well. I needed to be willing to give my contribution!
My emotional pain is no different in this way, time and rest is required. As I give time time and allow God to be my rest, then I will eventually experience emotional healing. Oh and I need to be willing to allow God to do what He knows needs to be done. Exercising trust!!
In a world where we expect (and often receive) instant results, this is challenging and can be difficult to conceive, yet it is very true that the best things in life are worth the wait, the hard work and will bring great rewards.
So here I am waiting and expecting God to bring great blessings as I work at developing my ability to trust in His powerful ability to heal my hurts and pain, whilst also using my experiences to help and empower others.
My life is a journey, the healing a process. One day at a time.
“My father and mother walked out and left me, but God took me in.”